I've had a bit of a revelation recently. I've noticed that I
think, cruel, demeaning, belittling, nasty thoughts at my own body, for not looking
the way I think it should or behaving the way I'd like. I know many of us do this to a certain extent, and
I stood back for a moment to really ask myself “Why do I do this?” So often we
look at ourselves in the mirror and see all the different things we have come
to believe are wrong with ourselves. Seeing only the blemish. I think it's for
a lot of reasons. I could blame it on the media, which of course is part of it.
We look at the high gloss, overly photoshopped images of 15 year old girls, and
now boys, that are made up to look sexy, thin, wrinkle free, and the
"ideal" that the rest of us are supposed to aspire to be. I could
blame it on the fashion industry that makes clothing in cuts and styles that
only fit a few body types and make the rest of us try and fit our "not off-the-rack"
bodies into clothing that was meant for only 15% of the population, but not my
body. I could blame it on the expectations of partners, or friends, who look at
our non-augmented, wholesome, selves and judge us against the latest Hollywood party
girl/boy. We all fall for it to a point. But here is the thing. I hear some of
the most hateful, degrading, disrespectful words coming out of our own mouths,
directed at our own bodies. People who would never say anything that ugly to
another person are directing those foul words, ideas, and feelings to the body
that cradles their unique essence, their mind, soul, and spirit. That body is
the holy vessel of our very being. Many of us do this in front of our family,
our friends, our children, and our lover. What are we teaching them when they
hear those words coming from our own lips? How will they see you, treat you,
judge you, if you give them this warped filter in which to see you though? How
will they talk to their own bodies, their own friends, their own children?
As I learn about Lupus and how it turns the body's normal
healthy immune system into a weapon it then uses on itself. The immune system
can actually try to kill it’s own body. The constant reminder of this
dysfunctional relationship between the body and its
natural-defense-mechanism-gone-haywire has started me thinking about my own
relationship with my body. When I'm sitting in the depths of Lupus symptoms and
ask the inevitable question “Why me?" Well, let's just say that I'm the
kind of person who wants an answer. Even if I have to make one up. Perhaps
there isn't one. But then I wonder, is the answer, that my body just getting
even from the negativity, self-hate, and nastiness that I have been sending it
for most of my life? Is it finally fed up with the constant badgering? Is my
body just getting even?
Lupus makes you take care of yourself, it makes you begin to be
kind to you body. Giving it the rest it needs, feeding it the proper diet,
giving it the medication and supplements it requires, slathering it with the
sunscreen and UV protection that is necessary. The disrespect to you’ve given
your body in the past is no longer allowed; it’s not even an option. You must
care for it in a new way to stay healthy or if not completely healthy at least
mostly functional. I'm learning to love and care my body in a way that I don’t
think I every have. Maybe I'm finally getting the message.
I was in a shop recently and tried on something that was really
cute, but didn't fit my body very well. I came out of the dressing room and
said that it didn't work for me. The lady in the shop chatted while I was there
browsing and I mentioned that I wouldn't buy it because it was a bit too small
and I didn't want to make myself feel bad about body. I said I would just love
my body and in the meantime, I'd wait for something that fit better to come
along. She said that she was so glad I said that, and that she hears most women
who come into her shop say terrible things about themselves. She thought it was
refreshing to have some one be kind to herself. How sad it is that
self-loathing has become normal and self-love has become rare. I’m not talking
about the narcissistic, “I’m better than everyone else” self-love. That’s
another topic all together. I’m talking about the private relationship between
me and my own body. We need to stop talking badly about our bodies when we are
in the dressing room trying on clothes that were not made to fit us. Stop
comparing ourselves to unattainable images or fitting into unattainable sizes.
When the jeans don't fit, it's not our bodies that are wrong; it's the jeans
that are wrong for our bodies.
Perhaps I'm getting a little "Hippy Woo Woo", as our
family calls it, but I think we need a shift in perspective. I think we need to
get a new inner mirror and begin to see the magnificent bodies that care for
our spirits, fight for our health, can do amazing feats, protects our essence,
allows us to feel deep emotions, and has such great potential. When we look in
this mirror we can start seeing the good things our bodies are and the good
things they do for us. We can begin to appreciate the bodily things we take for
granted. Let’s send our bodies love and stop sending the hate. When our bodies
are healthy and active, they are performing miracles every day. When each
system within our body is functioning in conjunction with itself, it is truly
creating miracles every day. And let me tell you, when it's out of whack, it's
a big deal. So, I'm going to be sending my body love. Lots and lots of love. I'm
speaking kind messages, thinking positive thoughts, sending loving
encouragement and paying attention when my body sends me a message. I'm going
to see how that works, because all that hate? It hasn't been working too well
for me. I’m going to love my body. I’m going to see how that works.