Is my body just getting even from nastiness that I have been sending it for most of my life? That is the question.

I've had a bit of a revelation recently. I've noticed that I think, cruel, demeaning, belittling, nasty thoughts at my own body, for not looking the way I think it should or behaving the way I'd like. I know many of us do this to a certain extent, and I stood back for a moment to really ask myself “Why do I do this?” So often we look at ourselves in the mirror and see all the different things we have come to believe are wrong with ourselves. Seeing only the blemish. I think it's for a lot of reasons. I could blame it on the media, which of course is part of it. We look at the high gloss, overly photoshopped images of 15 year old girls, and now boys, that are made up to look sexy, thin, wrinkle free, and the "ideal" that the rest of us are supposed to aspire to be. I could blame it on the fashion industry that makes clothing in cuts and styles that only fit a few body types and make the rest of us try and fit our "not off-the-rack" bodies into clothing that was meant for only 15% of the population, but not my body. I could blame it on the expectations of partners, or friends, who look at our non-augmented, wholesome, selves and judge us against the latest Hollywood party girl/boy. We all fall for it to a point. But here is the thing. I hear some of the most hateful, degrading, disrespectful words coming out of our own mouths, directed at our own bodies. People who would never say anything that ugly to another person are directing those foul words, ideas, and feelings to the body that cradles their unique essence, their mind, soul, and spirit. That body is the holy vessel of our very being. Many of us do this in front of our family, our friends, our children, and our lover. What are we teaching them when they hear those words coming from our own lips? How will they see you, treat you, judge you, if you give them this warped filter in which to see you though? How will they talk to their own bodies, their own friends, their own children?

As I learn about Lupus and how it turns the body's normal healthy immune system into a weapon it then uses on itself. The immune system can actually try to kill it’s own body. The constant reminder of this dysfunctional relationship between the body and its natural-defense-mechanism-gone-haywire has started me thinking about my own relationship with my body. When I'm sitting in the depths of Lupus symptoms and ask the inevitable question “Why me?" Well, let's just say that I'm the kind of person who wants an answer. Even if I have to make one up. Perhaps there isn't one. But then I wonder, is the answer, that my body just getting even from the negativity, self-hate, and nastiness that I have been sending it for most of my life? Is it finally fed up with the constant badgering? Is my body just getting even?

Lupus makes you take care of yourself, it makes you begin to be kind to you body. Giving it the rest it needs, feeding it the proper diet, giving it the medication and supplements it requires, slathering it with the sunscreen and UV protection that is necessary. The disrespect to you’ve given your body in the past is no longer allowed; it’s not even an option. You must care for it in a new way to stay healthy or if not completely healthy at least mostly functional. I'm learning to love and care my body in a way that I don’t think I every have. Maybe I'm finally getting the message.

I was in a shop recently and tried on something that was really cute, but didn't fit my body very well. I came out of the dressing room and said that it didn't work for me. The lady in the shop chatted while I was there browsing and I mentioned that I wouldn't buy it because it was a bit too small and I didn't want to make myself feel bad about body. I said I would just love my body and in the meantime, I'd wait for something that fit better to come along. She said that she was so glad I said that, and that she hears most women who come into her shop say terrible things about themselves. She thought it was refreshing to have some one be kind to herself. How sad it is that self-loathing has become normal and self-love has become rare. I’m not talking about the narcissistic, “I’m better than everyone else” self-love. That’s another topic all together. I’m talking about the private relationship between me and my own body. We need to stop talking badly about our bodies when we are in the dressing room trying on clothes that were not made to fit us. Stop comparing ourselves to unattainable images or fitting into unattainable sizes. When the jeans don't fit, it's not our bodies that are wrong; it's the jeans that are wrong for our bodies.

Perhaps I'm getting a little "Hippy Woo Woo", as our family calls it, but I think we need a shift in perspective. I think we need to get a new inner mirror and begin to see the magnificent bodies that care for our spirits, fight for our health, can do amazing feats, protects our essence, allows us to feel deep emotions, and has such great potential. When we look in this mirror we can start seeing the good things our bodies are and the good things they do for us. We can begin to appreciate the bodily things we take for granted. Let’s send our bodies love and stop sending the hate. When our bodies are healthy and active, they are performing miracles every day. When each system within our body is functioning in conjunction with itself, it is truly creating miracles every day. And let me tell you, when it's out of whack, it's a big deal. So, I'm going to be sending my body love. Lots and lots of love. I'm speaking kind messages, thinking positive thoughts, sending loving encouragement and paying attention when my body sends me a message. I'm going to see how that works, because all that hate? It hasn't been working too well for me. I’m going to love my body. I’m going to see how that works.