If you take a fall in a parking lot, and no one is there to see it, does it still hurt? Why, yes. Yes it does.

As I am learning about Lupus and how my body responds to, the disease, the medications, the trauma, the stress, and the every day events of life, I am asking myself a lot of questions. When a new symptom pops up I start looking back at my activities, diets, exposures, expenditures of the last two or three days looking for a trigger. Did this thing cause that reaction? Did that meal trigger this symptom? If this symptom started today, what did I do yesterday? As well as many other questions and guesses.

For example, last Thursday I took a fall in the parking lot where I work.  It wasn't that bad, I just slipped and landed in the flower bed. I didn't even get a bruise. But as the day went on, I became a bit sore, then a bit stiff. By the time I finished my work day and made my way home I was looking like an old woman, and on top of that I had an upset stomach, clamminess, faintness, and fatigue. It's the fatigue that clued me in.  Fatigue is one of the biggest challenges we face with Lupus. You just can't keep going like you did when you pulled all nighters in your 20's. It's not like you're tired, it's so much bigger than that. Its like you can't keep your eyes open, your body is weak, your muscles weak they are unable to lift your body from a chair, or carry a purse. It is such a helpless feeling, and it is really scary.  

It took me some time to look back at my day and go though the things I did and the things I ate, before I figured out that it was probably my graceless fall in the parking lot.  But then I start thinking, did the Lupus cause the fall, or did the fall cause the Lupus flare?  If the Lupus caused the fall then things get scarier, has the Lupus progressed to my nervous system?  Is that why I fell? It's the "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" question. I feel like a detective trying to solve a mystery but who finds herself thinking in circles. 

When these unexpected triggers happen, like my parking lot tumble, it's much more difficult to make plans. Planning my life, keeping my work commitments, engaging with my friends and loved ones seems to get harder and harder. I'm still hopeful that at some point soon I will find a balance with  work, medication, rest, limits, that I can live with.  Here's hoping.