Still Trying to Be Me

Well, it’s officially autumn and I've been trying to make some changes in my world that will allow me to be “the me before Lupus”. I know, I know I’m still the same person but it sometimes feels like I’ve become someone else. The things that I now have to avoid have made my world a bit smaller and I resent it now and again. I used to be outdoors doing activities and kept my body moving enough that gaining weight was not a huge problem. I used to be able to high impact physical activities without symptoms. However, since being diagnosed with Lupus that has changed.  Not being able to participate in high impact activities, or be outside due to my vampire like reaction to sunlight, being often exhausted or ill. Sometimes, just being depressed about my limitations kept me from moving my body enough.  Also, I’m now in the sisterhood of “wome

n of a certain age”.  Things they are a changing.  

That all being said I am still trying to be me where I can. Recently, I have found a used treadmill for about $25 at a garage sale and have been trying to be active everyday. It’s not like mountain biking, rock climbing, walking in the woods, or any of those other things I used to do, but I found that if I can do the treadmill for 30 minutes per day I actually feel better.  The other thing is when a body is not mountain biking, rock climbing, etc., that body can’t eat like it is.  So I’m watching my intake and I really, really, really don’t like that. I like to eat. It just sucks. We still cook great meals, do my summer canning, and we still eat very well, but I used to have a lot more latitude when it came to my caloric intake when I was active.  My daily treadmill work out is helping me enjoy food without as much…erm….Backlash. Since my daily 30 workout, I’m sleeping better and have had less of those “It’s 4 AM and I have not shut my eyes!” nights. I’m feeling healthier too.  

I’m still taking medication, and will most likely be doing so for the rest of my life. However, the medication that I am on is a “First Tier” drug and one of the options with the least side effects and long term risks. In fact, I’m doing well on a half dose, so I’ll be sticking with it for as long as my body will let me. It’s really helped me have almost normal days. I have not have severe flares for several months, just some of the less scary symptoms that make me exhausted or uncomfortable. Because of this improvement, things at work have improved and I’ve been able to increase my hours enough to qualify for medical coverage. This is a very, very good thing. I’m very thankful for my position, as well as for my bo

ss who was willing to work with me and help us both get what we needed. I’m very fortunate.

The limitations on one’s social life is still a big challenge. I miss being spontaneous, being outdoors, staying up late, saying “yes” to all those social engagements, being the person who can be counted on. These days, early to bed, sticking to a schedule, keeping to a diet, choosing one event per weekend instead of all of them, and resting regularly, is my normal. It’s working but I still feel cheated now and again. However, remission is possible. The better I care for myself the closer I can get to that Holy Grail. 

I’m still trying to be me.